Pomp and Circumstances Being What They Are

Time is an angry bitch. She just loves shoving herself down people’s throats and making them gag on the years that have flown by.

Okay, I’m laughing now because that is not what I thought would come out when I began. My intention is to write a sweet, heartfelt, inspiring message for my cousin who has grown up so beautifully and what feels so quickly. She has graduated and is getting ready to leave for college. So much for saccharin. Guess that’s not my style.

So, Beaner, here’s the low-down on commencement.

Living on your own is great for so many reasons, like making your own rules and eating pizza for breakfast and Pop Tarts for dinner and forgetting to sleep at night and wearing pajamas to your 8 o’clock biology class because, seriously, 8 AM? All of this and more make up the awesome power of no parental guidance. However, I’d be remiss if I didn’t point out a few of the less than awesome things as well.

On dorm life . . .

Sheets need to be changed. It is not okay to put them on when you move into your dorm and then remove them only on the day you move out. I know. I know. This shocked me too.

You are in charge of stocking the “pantry” in your room. Pop Tarts don’t magically appear at dinnertime. Also, a gallon jug of milk does NOT fit into a small dorm-sized fridge. Rookie mistake.

Alas, life is not self-cleaning. This goes for toilets, showers, dorm rooms, cars, clothing, kitchen utensils, and microwaves.

Lastly, the rulers of the dorms (what are they called, RA’s?) do not like girls vomiting in boys’ bathrooms. Therefore, best to vomit in girls only dormitories whenever possible.

On classes and professors . . .

If you arrive in physics class and are greeted by an ancient man with tufty white hair who says, “Welcome to Phwysics,” run! Run far and fast! That guy is nuts! I’m not kidding.

Yes, it is true that all professors believe in their hearts that theirs is the ONLY class you are currently enrolled in and therefore they truly are not asking too much of you to lay down you life for them.

Statistics sucks.

On friends . . .

This trick seriously works and I have to give credit to my roommate Lori for suggesting it. To get someone (like a really cute guy) to notice you in one of those ginormous freshman intro classes, wait for him to enter first and then find a seat a few rows in front of him (to the side so he can get a good look at your stunning profile). Be sure to catch his eye once and only once at some point in time during the class. Next day, do the same, but sit on the other side (because you don’t have just one good side) and maybe a row closer, but don’t make eye contact. On the third day, sit in the row behind him. I guarantee he’ll look for you and maybe ask to borrow a pencil (or laptop these days – you kids and your crazy technology). You’re in.

Make sure the guy you try this on is not an obnoxious perv. Once you’re in, it is really hard to get OUT. You’ll be pretty much stuck with him for the rest of the class. Learn from my mistakes, grasshopper! Small note: I'm not saying you'll need this previous tip because you obviously don't, but pass it on to a friend in need.

Friends will meet you anywhere at anytime for any reason. Count on it.

On being an hour away from me . . .

I’m going to miss you, but I’m so very excited for you. If anyone can handle college and all the craziness it has to offer, it is you. I know our family likes to say that you are so much like me, but the truth is that you are so much better. You are more grounded and realistic, honest and dependable, confident and passionate. I love all of that about you.

Best of luck to you and your friends. Save me a Pop Tart!